Why Did You Remember This at 10 PM?

It was 10 pm when the message came in. Someone from work, about work.

My body’s first reaction was a scream I didn’t send: "Bro, why did you remember this at 10 pm? "I had just come home after a long day. Can you please leave me alone?

Then the impulsive person in me opened the chat and started typing.

One reply became a conversation. The conversation went on for an hour. By the time I looked up, it was almost 11:30pm, and the rest of my day was still waiting for me. Cook. Clean. Take a bath. Eat. And the worst part: my mom had been waiting for me to call her.

I had left all of it aside and sat down to work.

When the chat finally went quiet, I didn’t feel relieved. I felt bad that, once again, I had put myself at the bottom of the list. And one question kept running in my head:

Will I look worthy enough at work if I don’t reply to senior managers immediately?

That question had more questions inside it.

Is there even such a thing as work-life balance?

Can you set a boundary without the other person feeling guilty about it, or without you feeling guilty about it?

Or maybe nobody expected anything from me at 10 pm, and it’s all in my mind, just the insecurities I carry to work every day.

When I looked back, the message did need attention that night. So I can’t even say the person was wrong to send it, or that I was wrong to reply.

Maybe that’s what made it harder. If it had been something silly, I could have been annoyed and moved on. Instead I was left with a strange mix: I did the right thing for work and still felt like I had let myself down. I had shown up for everyone except me, and except my mom, who was waiting for my call.

I’m still figuring this out.

I don’t have an answer yet. I don’t know where being dependable ends and being always available begins. I don’t know how much of this pressure comes from the people around me and how much I’ve put on myself.

What I do know is how that night felt: tired, frustrated, and guilty that I keep putting myself last.